People come to dog trainers to change their dog’s behavior…because it’s dangerous, annoying, embarrassing, scary, inappropriate, etc. One phrase I’ve heard regularly over the years is, “it’s unacceptable.”

I know what people mean by this. In the English language, we usually think of “acceptance” as some kind of approval, acquiescence, deference, or resignation. The idea is if a person or dog does something we consider “wrong” or “bad”, accepting it means we are ok with it and give up any power to do anything about it.

Several years ago I learned how the concept of acceptance is used in Buddhism, and I’ve slowly been integrating it into my views. It’s so different than the typical way it’s used in Western culture, and so incredibly helpful.

In Buddhism, acceptance is often described as being open to life as it happens, and not resisting or rejecting what is. For example, if it is raining, we can accept that it is raining and adjust our plans. If we get angry or upset that it’s raining, and dwell on how wrong it is, we are resisting what is. Resisting the rain doesn’t make it stop, but it does cause us to spend time, attention, and energy being tense and irritated. This colors how we interact, our levels of patience, compassion, understanding.

To me, starting from a place of acceptance means first recognizing our dogs as complete sentient beings, trying to get their needs met in environment where they have with relatively little control or agency. We can accept that even though we don’t like or approve of it, the behavior serves a purpose, which helps us take a closer look at the actual conditions of the situation.  Our awareness is less overshadowed by our thoughts and stories about the situation. This frees us to let go of our thoughts of how our dog should act, so we can see more contours of our dog’s lived experience with mindfulness of environment, and the situations we put them in. Then we can be more there for them and with them, to support them in learning new ways to interpret and interact with their environment.

Contrast that with starting in a place of non-acceptance. When we start from a place of non-acceptance, of rejection of and resistance to what is, it effects where our focus and energy goes before we even begin to address the issue. Dog’s behavior unacceptable? We must stop it. This is understandable. But focusing our efforts only or primarily on stopping or suppressing the behavior without understanding (or even acknowledging) it serves a function, in the long run, is unhelpful and often exacerbates problems or creates new ones.

In addition, we tend to put the behavior in a box, separate from the dog as whole, his environment, learning history, genetic predispositions, health and physiology. From this view, onus is on the dog to change – even if we haven’t changed (or even identified) any of the conditions are present when the problematic behavior occurs, and what is maintaining it.

Here is a quote from Zen teacher, Domyo Burk:

“As I stop resisting the way things are, I refuse to postpone appreciation for my life until everything is perfect. I throw out the strident disapproval I’ve been carrying around in my heart as if it would shame everyone into changing. I loosen my grip on my almighty list of the way things should be, and experience the bittersweet intimacy of the way things actually are.

…It’s not that we work ourselves into some noble state where we deny our preferences and accept unacceptable things with saintly equanimity. It’s not that we float through the world, swaddled in ambivalence so we never become invested in a particular outcome, and avoid making any mistakes. And it doesn’t mean you don’t do everything in your power to bring about the outcome you hope for. It just means not getting too caught up in your stories.”

Zen studies podcast 13 – What Zen “Acceptance” and “Non-Attachment” Really Are 

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